This year National Eating Disorder Awareness week falls on February 24th
until March 2nd, I know I'm awfully late posting this but the
perfectionist in me wasn't happy with this post until now. I just want to
mention that this post will not include numbers, weights or any triggering
material of any form because lets me honest it’s not helpful for anyone and in
no way beneficial to others. I've struggled with an eating disorder since my
early teen years which I've been pretty open about and I wanted to shine a
light on the subject as it's something I feel strongly about. There are major
misconceptions regarding Eating Disorders based on the information the media
tends to inform us with, we've all seen articles portraying eating disorder as
a diet that went too far, the typical middle class white girl looking emaciated,
we automatically assume Anorexia is about just being underweight when in
reality it goes much deeper than just that. The stigma attached to Eating
Disorders can prevent people from seeking help, can also lead the individual
feeling judged and unworthy of support, the most common phrase I hear amongst
people who suffer with Eating Disorders is 'but I'm not thin or sick enough' I
myself have felt this way. An Eating Disorder is a complex, life threatening
illness classified by disordered eating behaviours; anyone can suffer regardless
of ages, gender, ethnicity etc. Eating disorder does not revolve on your physical
body composition, it's about what’s going on inside, it's classed as a mental
illness and weight loss is just one symptom of Anorexia. "Eating disorder
come in one size, miserable" For me my Eating Disorder was an unhealthy
coping mechanism, it was a distraction from reality, an outlet to turn to in
times of distress that I became infatuated with. I crazed a sense of control as
my whole world felt like it was crumbling apart, this illness convinced me I
was in control but that was far from the truth as I become more and more out of
control in the depths of my struggle. I completely lost all sense of myself, my
life, my mind and sanity. I was barely surviving but in no way living, my
mental health deteriorated quickly and I had no choice but to drop out of school
for my own sake. I have missed out on so many events and occasions over the
years due to not being able to step outside of my comfort zone, the fear of
being around food and the sense of losing the slightest amount of control left
me in a state of anxiety. I've also lost many dear friends due to isolating
myself, I could only imagine how difficult it became for them and the helpless
feeling of watching a friend slowly killing herself must have had an tough impact.
An Eating Disorder is no way glamorous nor is it about vanity or a choice; it
leaves you as a shell of a person with more health complications due to malnourishment.
The damage I was inflicting on my body makes me utterly horrified to this day,
I carelessly played Russian roulette with my body and hoped for the worst
possible outcome. I am so grateful to be alive today, as there have been times
where ending my own life seemed like the only option, to escape the over
bearing stream of negative thoughts, I become consumed by this never ending cycle.
After going through a rough patch during the new year it dawned on me that life
was passing me by, I was stuck and extremely miserable, I had only two possible
options, give recovery all I've got because i had nothing left to lose or I
could let this eating disorder kill me slowly. I have worked really hard to
regain normalcy, I have started to find a healthy balance in life regarding
exercise and food, I am much gentler towards my body and no longer criticize it
or feel the need to starve myself as a solution to exam stress, a break up or
even the pressure to be perfect. Recovery is choosing to go against the
disordered behaviours, waking up in the morning and choosing to fight the urges
to restrict on a daily basis, as recovery does not get a day off. I still
become anxious around food but I know longer let it have a complete hold over
me, I have to be constant aware that the illness still lingers and could creep
back in on any sign of vulnerability shown. I have found that there is a thin
line between spreading awareness and burying people with an unrealistic flood
of positivity about recovery and I wanted to show through this post the reality
of an eating disorder, recovery is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to
encounter, there are days where I just want to give up and become a recluse but
I chose to keep moving forward. It's a process that takes time and accepting
that being me is enough and learning to let go is when you start to see that
life can be truly beautiful. I still have many mountains to climb but I have
never felt so at peace with my mind and body. I no longer let my mental illness
define me and I'm finally starting to move on with my life and I couldn't
be more content with life as I am now. If you are reading this and are struggling
with an eating disorder in any form, you deserve help and support, do not be
ashamed to reach out. Would you be ashamed if you suffered with a physical illness
like cancer? No, so why should you be ashamed of suffering from a mental
illness such as an eating disorder. It's time to challenge the negative stigma
and stereotypes associated with eating disorders and promote recovery, it should
no longer be a taboo subject and more awareness should be raised. The bottom
line is that recovery is worth it and is 100% possible; you deserve a life
worth living.
Helpful links
http://www.something-fishy.org/
